awesome. i feel like i’m in the 90’s again…and very happy about it
The key to everything is patience. You get the chicken by hatching the egg, not by smashing it.
I was crabby last night…my roommate even noticed it. ”you seem…not in a good mood…?” I actually don’t think she’s ever said that to me before…and as I sat there in my rain soaked clothes, all I could come up with was “I’m tired of being rained on”. ha, oh how metaphorical I could get with that!
But, in actuality, I have been rained on now three times while running home from work. It’s a short run, just under three miles. But, in the past week, the clear skies have turned to grey, and, I swear, the SECOND I put my running shoe on the sidewalk, it has started to rain. And not just a drizzle, but a downpour….Interestingly, it has also seemed to STOP raining the second I arrived at my doorstep. Honestly, I am not exaggerating.
The first time this happened, I honestly giggled all the way home. What timing, I thought! The second time, I giggled, sucked the rain water off my upper lip, squinted through the rain, and happily made it home. But, the THIRD time this happened, I stalled under bridges, called friends for rides (to no avail), cursed my horrible timing, took a deep breath, and ran home. When it stopped raining just before I reached my building, my happy running self just couldn’t stay positive anymore…why is god raining on MEEEEEE?? haha, yes, that dramatic. I would also like to say that this run actually started with a bolt of lightening and immediate thunder as I walked outside…rain started about 3 minutes later. REALLY?! so now god is being dramatic too…michelle stepped outside in her running clothes, strike her with lightening! mwahaha!
It is actually pretty funny…
So, I ran home. I took my shoes off outside the apartment and stuffed them with newspaper (which is becoming a regular routine for me at this point), I walked into my living room and stared at the city in amazement; as the clouds began clearing, the sun began to shine, I stood sopping wet, dripping in my living room…
Sometimes it seems like the world is just raining on YOU. I feel this mostly when I find myself comparing myself to others…what a silly thing to do! Our egos so often convince us that we need to be different, better, above those around us. It seems to be part of our “survival of the fittest” wiring. But look at what havoc that wreaks on our emotional and spiritual bodies! My oh my, how my internal body was in a knot last night!
Our natural wellness and power is in our connection to the underlying source of all creation…denying that brings us anxiety, nervousness, anger, disconnect, feelings of being lost. When I feel I am resisting my current moment, when the rain seems to be pouring only on me, I have to let go of my identification with my ego…reconnect with the self that is me beyond my mind. I slow my mind, slow my breath, and allow the quiet voice of my spirit to remind me that I am safe, loved, whole, healthy, and at peace.
Today I ran to work and it wasn’t raining…until I got into my office…then the skies opened up :-)
I consider myself to be a pretty nice person…I generally really care about people, want them to feel good, happy, and loved…so, how did I find myself verbally abusing my yoga class last month? Well, this is just another manifestation of what my sister might call “Angry Michelle”.
If you don’t know me well enough to have already met “Angry Michelle”, let me give you the highlights. Smiling Michelle, excited to hang out with friends/family, gets into the car to drive to some location she is probably very excited about. All is well in happy land until…why is this guy going so slow?? I cannot BELIEVE we are going 2 mph on the HIGHWAY!!! that guy just cut me off, F*** YOUUUUU!
Yes, that angry, that quick. It seemed to almost be inevitable. Please note that, currently, for this reason exactly, I have now arranged my life around NOT driving; I am now a happy bike commuter who has recently sold her car actually :-) and I thought that would solve the problem…until recently…
I broke up with my boyfriend…AGAIN…the day after my birthday this year. Interestingly, he used to always say that if he couldn’t BE in our relationship by the time I turned 28, he would understand if I left. 28 for less than 24 hours and I did just that…interesting how that happens. So, anyhow, the last few months of my life has been about moving on. It’s been a very interesting process to observe! Although, I must admit, I am not always able to observe it necessarily. I cried for the first couple weeks, celebrated for the next few, and then fell into an emotional mess for the next…like the rollercoaster of PMS’ing, I found myself oftentimes anxious, easily angered, easily saddened, tired…and lo and behold, angry Michelle resurfaced. I didn’t really even realize it until I had a shocking wake up call as I flicked off a driver while riding my bike on Michigan Avenue yelling “FUCK YOUUUU” as I rode by…WHOA…I mean, REALLY? Where did that come from?! (you would probably find this even more shocking if you heard the story of why i vowed to never flick anyone off ever again after an encounter with an angry husband in Target about 5 years ago…a whole other story…!)
And then the next day, in a setting where I usually provide support, offer modifications or easier alternatives should the student feel they can’t go on, I found myself pushing my yoga students angrily through a difficult class…this time, I finished out my “if you are struggling” sentence with “then PUSH HARDER, and KEEP GOING!”. my class looked pained…and I just kept yelling. I know it seems this could have ended very poorly, but it actually turned out okay. I think I was probably more relieved to be done with the class than my aching students were…!
So, what is this all about? I know it comes from me…my spiritual healer would probably say it is my 4 year old self, aching for love that she has not yet found. If they won’t give me love, I will take that on as my fault, beat myself up about it, and then RAAAAARRRRR at everyone around me!! …oh my Michelle…could we just move past this already…?
I got through yoga…and I awakened from my anger with a new understanding about who I am, what throws me off kilter, separates me from my source. I realized that I was getting fulfillment from a relationship, and that without that relationship, I wasn’t quite sure how to feel full. I realized I am sometimes better at loving other people than I am at loving myself…and I came back to my mat, to my meditations, and discovered a new part of myself that was pure, eager, and longing for love :-)
Love will immediately enter into any mind that truly wants it.
What is healing but the removal of all that stands in the way of knowledge.
-A Course In Miracles
the other day i was in an elevator, rushing to get to a yoga class, with barely a minute to spare. i felt completely rushed, impatient…almost pissy that life would not move quicker!!
so, of course, right as the doors are closing (as I am incessantly pressing the “door close” button), a man sticks his hand in between the doors and pushes his way in. in all honestly, i can say that i saw the man coming and continued to press the button…strike one against michelle. i know, i am horrible. so, not only does this make the doors open again SLOOOOOWWWWLLLY, but this also sets off the alarm…the “get away from the doors” alarm that for some reason just makes the doors move even SLOWER…and as i anxiously tap my foot looking at the floor 5 button i feel i pressed about 10 minutes ago, i try to lighten my mood by making a joke about the doors. the guy smiles, and, apparently agreeing with my laid back approach to the situation, presses the floor 2 button only to realize he needed to go to floor 3…oh, oops, haha, i mean, floor 4…”silly me!”…
i wonder if, at this point, the guy realized my recent joke was no longer on the table…are you SERIOUS that you just pressed EVERY SINGLE BUTTON on the DAMN ELEVATOR?! i might have actually glared at him…but i honestly cannot even recall. so, needless to say, i didn’t make the yoga class; i rushed off the elevator at 2 and took the stairs…walked into the studio right as they stood up in tadasana and got a “no” head shake from the instructor…
so i huffed, and i swore…and then…i started full out giggling! What a silly situation I had just experienced…and I had turned it into the arch nemesis of my happiness. ”if i don’t make it to yoga, i am going to blame that STUPID GUY on that STUPID ELEVATOR!” DAMNIT.
so, i missed yoga. i giggled at how seriously i take life, and how the story i told myself is what created my unhappiness…i smiled…and i walked back out into the beautiful weather, put on my headphones, rode my bike to whole foods, and calmly finished my evening with some amazing food, music…and peace :-)
so, this brings me to two quotes I’d like to share. I am just starting a book club with Sarah for “A Course In Miracles”. It’s some heavy reading, let me tell you! I think I could read only one sentence a day and still not catch it all! But, here are some I’d like to share:
Anger involves projection of separation, which must ultimately be accepted as one’s own responsibility, rather than being blamed on others.
Nothing real can be threatened. Nothing unreal exists.
Let’s get enlightened :-) Let’s celebrate our lives! Let’s create our truths!
Perfect love casts out fear. If fear exists, then there is not perfect love.